starbucks’ glorified sippy cups

It appears the time is now for eco-terrorism, or intimidation. I do not know what they are teaching in schools but my fourteen year old cousin has an aneurysm whenever she sees plastic. It’s concerning, amongst many other things going on in our nation. The other day I left my car on briefly (I live in the South where it is hot AF) to run into Whole Foods to get some Yerba Mate and snacks and when I came out someone side-eyed me. I feel that people are increasingly succumbing to this strong urge to save our planet (although I feel like there are worse things out here destroying our planet rather than plastic straws), to the point where even Starbucks is making a change.

I love the Starbucks sippy cup lids. It truly appeals to their main demographic, stay at home wine moms and gluten free millennials that identify as dog mamas. I selfishly like them because they are durable and keep my lid securely on my drink. I can lazily sip my refresher with minimal effort. And also because that means I can grab my drink and run without waiting for the thirty seconds for the barista to fumble and grab a straw out of the wrapper, but most importantly and selfishly this means I don’t have to deal with the goddamn paper straws.

I hate paper straws. I’m sorry, I love our planet, I recycle and everything, but paper straws were invented by Satan. I genuinely believe that anyone who likes paper straws must be a sociopath because they are awful. The same people who adore paper straws are the same people whose favorite character from The Office is Toby.

They get mushy and they’re soggy, particles get in my drink and they’re just so freaking awful. Who wants soggy cardboard in their mouth? No one wants a decomposing straw in their drink.

One of my favorite eateries has cornstarch/decompostable plastic utensils that are earth friendly. Please, I’m begging you, star science researcher at Cornell, figure out a way to give us earth safe plastic straws.

Maybe I just need to carry around my own metal straws like a crazy lady.

ps, I really do like the sippy cup. It truly makes me feel like an adult woman.

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